I
Thought your brittle austere tongue could save you?
You, haughtily drenched in the barnacles
Of your falsely burnished presumptions
You really think your words will last forever,
But they are really just rough chalk s cr awl s
To be made a b lu r as they are sc rape d away
With an eraser on the flinty old battered board
That exists in the front of your lifes’ classroom
I shall no longer be visiting your playground...
II
(..I..)
(Never)
(having to)
(have to deal)
(with you again)
(will remain)
(safe within)
(a loving)
(cocoon)
III
While we scrape by in these rough times
We will stick to each other like cemented barnacles
Our austerity comes from and rests easy in our hearts
Drenched in our devotion our tongues will wag with joy
The summer sun may burnish our skins
Smiling, we’ll chalk that up to another memory,
For the day when our brittle bones will set beside each other
Uncomfortable moments will become b lu rs in our vision
Our life was and never will be like cold stone flint
JP/davh © May 26, 2012
Process notes: The first stanza fell into place quite quickly, the rest with minor tweaking followed. I had to deal with an adult bully. But I shall hopefully never have to deal with that person again. I used the same Wordles in stanzas I and III and only used cocoon once.
The Sunday Whirl #58 http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2012/05/27/wordle-58/
*scrape, *tongue, *brittle, *austere, *barnacles, *drenched,*chalk, *flinty, *blur, *burnished, cocoon, *rough
The companion piece or back-story of/for this poem can be found here:
http://julesgemsandstuff.blogspot.com/2012/05/sometimes-reality-shucks-monday-melting.html
Jules, I am really glad that you are continuing to use your poetry so effectively to keep that 'bully' in her place in your life! It is good that you opted to leave her 'playground.'
ReplyDeleteOoh... I love this, Jules... especially the cocoon! Nice work my friend!!
ReplyDeleteFantastic use of the wordle and that unfortunate incident from your life. And I love the way you used cocoon!
ReplyDeleteOh, good for you for dealing with them. There is nothing worse than being bullied by anyone, at any age. I do hope that it's all settled now. The strength in you shows clearly in your descriptive writing of it. Very emotive, write, filled with lovely imagery and, ending with hope.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of the words.
Jules, an adult bully in my life helped this piece resonate for me. I love the echoing of words from the first stanza in the third, more hopeful stanza. The formatting of the piece adds to it, I especially love the parentheses in stanza 2. Excellent exploration.
ReplyDeleteA cathartic poem, banishing you and wecoming us. The cocoon shape in the middle is brilliant!
ReplyDeleteOooh I second Viv's comments and add a bravo and applause - I am neither adept nor always a "fan" of concrete poetry however this is fabulous ! and beautifully suited :)
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I love this one. From "falsely burnished presumptions" on I wanted to know where this was going. Beautifully structured stanzas. I also love what you did with pronouns, ending with we. Brava!
ReplyDeleteRichard
Thank you kindly... this was sort of a follow up to this peace written for Rosemary Mint's Monday Melting world list:
Deletehttp://julesgemsandstuff.blogspot.com/2012/05/sometimes-reality-shucks-monday-melting.html
I try, but somehow am just not able to read everyone's post every week. But since there is a connection...I thought you might like the link.
I did consciously post my villain as a singular. Since most often they are only for themselves and I think end up quite lonely. Whereas I know I can 'soldier' on with out them nestled comfortably in my 'we'.
Brilliant, Jules. I love this poem.
ReplyDeletePamela
Fabulously wordled and shaped poem ... I thought I recognized some of Rosemary's melting words (couldn't pull one from those together myself unfortunately) but you've done a very nice job painting rich images and eliciting some very strong emotions; I especially like the ending where there's an optimistic upswing to blur and an insistence that your life will never be like stone cold flint ... bravo!
ReplyDeletehttp://thepoet-tree-house.blogspot.ca/2012/05/reminiscing-before-selling-family-home.html
It seems I can't resists word lists. I try to keep them separate. it is enough of a challenge to work with one list and I give kudos to those who combine any prompts. Sometimes the same poem does work for several prompts for me, but not intentionally.
DeleteI have been trying to go back and link theme related poems together. But sometimes I forget. And no one is obligated to go to prequels or series that happen to evolve.
Thanks for including links to your piece. I did leave a comment there. :)
Oh, Jules, this is so sharp! I hope you really dealt with those people, for such experiences can be too troublesome.
ReplyDeleteBest, M.
wow Jules, POWERFUL writing. and powerful is precisely what you became - against the bully. You surely have had the lasting last laugh. good for you. happy Monday to you Jules.
ReplyDeleteMy son reminded me this morning that pretty much some dogs have a much worse bark than their bite. Now I just have to pick up that last pay check later this week and move steadily on. Terrific Tuesday to you, Ms. Becky
DeleteLove how you worked through the process with the forms, and the great switcheroo between the first and third stanzas using the same words. The transformation is palpable as wel as seeable.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth
http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/
Jules-Your energy is palpable. This whole episode has exploded into words in a wonderful way.I am always amazed at how you write about your life and the people in it. The cocoon shape was quite a nice touch. You seem ready to embrace your "we" and move on. Wow-
ReplyDeleteMy 'reality' poems for lack of a better word...are my diary. I've just been lucky enough to find the 'write word lists' :)
DeleteAwesome use of the words and I love how you play with spacing and form!!
ReplyDeleteThis:
"You really think your words will last forever,
But they are really just rough chalk s cr awl s
To be made a b lu r as they are sc rape d away "
I enjoy a lot!!
Smiles to you!
This is masterfully written, great phrasing, love the bit of concrete poetic form in the middle. Wonderfully done!
ReplyDeleteWow! very well done.
ReplyDeleteJules, not only brilliant formatting, but the perfect comments about a bully. You will always shine, and people like us are better for having weathered the storms, for some reason. I think it's called living life on the edge and sometimes slipping into a bad situation once in a while, but we always climb back!
ReplyDeleteHope my comment "takes," because WordPress is being snarky tonight... Peace, Amy
http://sharplittlepencil.com/2012/05/28/military-schooling-the-sunday-whirl/
I love the formatting you have used on this piece, Jules! And the cocoon, with all the commas, in stanza two is brilliant!
ReplyDeleteNicely done!
ReplyDeleteI love this, Jules, both for what it says and how you say it.
ReplyDeleteLoooove this! The shape is amazing! :)
ReplyDelete